Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Day 8: My quest comes to a close.

Ahh, here we are again in Hoenn. Potentially for the last time.

I've learned a lot about myself and about Pokémon.

Well, okay, not really.

All I've learned is that women are insane, men are morons, and pretty much every Pokémon in the world can be taken out in a single Leaf Blade attack.

Two if they're particularly tough.

Anyway, with the 8th badge in my... Badge belt? Where the hell do you keep badges?

Whatever. Elite Four time.

I SURF in the direction of the remaining island on the map, and go up a a giant waterfall to arrive in EVER GRANDE CITY.

Looks like here's my final stop before I trash the Elite Four. I wonder if MAY/STEVEN/WALLY will show up here... I could use a good warmup before I get started.

All that seems to be in this little town is a cave and a Pokémon Center. I heal up and head into VICTORY CAVE, as the sign outside proclaims it to be.

There are some high level monsters here, but nothing Rich can't handle. The trainers are especially good, since they have slightly lower level Pokémon, plus a nice cash bonus for winning.

While I'm in the cave, I run into someone who's talking about how he learned how to battle from his family, and how he got to be better than them at it.

So that's the kid who was the best in his family? The one they said I'd never beat? And to think, Rich just Leaf Bladed all his creatures into nothingness.

Go home and cry to your grandma, fool.

Shortly thereafter, I best another trainer, and Ozzy evolves into this weird sumo-samurai thing.

Whatever. It's not like he's getting used for anything but being my HM bitch anyway.

I beat some more trainers, figure out the way to the end of the cave, and get ready to see the Elite Four.

I see sunlight up ahead when, suddenly, I'm stopped from behind.

It's WALLY, and he's looking to battle again.

...Oh, this oughta be good.

His first Pokémon is an ALTARIA. Rich's slam attack makes easy work of it.

Next comes a ROSELIA. Aaron goes out and hits it with two Silver Winds, giving him a stat boost, then finishes the job with Psybeam.

Next he send out GARDEVOIR. Aaron hits it with just one Silver Wind for a knockout.

He sends out his DELCATTY, and Aaron hits it with a Silver Wind and then a Psybeam and it's down.

He sends out his final Pokémon, a Magneton. A tough fight for Rich, since Leaf Blade isn't effective, but Aaron has too little health to risk it.

Rich fires off a Leaf. I cross my fingers, and...

Critical hit! Magneton is down with one blow, and WALLY is shamed yet again!

Moreover, since Mike had the EXP. Share for this whole fight, he hits level 33 by the end of the battle and evolves into a CAMERUPT. Ugly as sin, too.

I exit the cave, walk the path to the Elite Four area, and heal.

The first foe is SIDNEY. he goes down without much of a fuss, only dealing 30 damage to Rich between five guys.

Next comes PHOEBE, boasting her Ghost Pokémon's abilities. Two of her Pokémon go down in single Leaf Blades, and the rest barely do any real damage.

Next is GLACIA, using Water/Ice types. Rich is weak against Ice, but since he kills most of them in a single, super-effective Leaf Blade, that's not really a problem.

Last is, of course, the guy using Dragon Pokémon, DRAKE. Since my Leaf Blade isn't effective against any of his Pokémon, it's a tough fight, but Rich, being the champion he is, pulls it off.

Now comes the final battle, and it's: STEVEN!

Alright, you smug son of a bitch. Let's do this.

He gets a few good hits in, but Rich gets in some even better ones. His one real threat was his METAGROSS, but that, too, fell to the might of Leaf Blade.

After STEVEN bites the dust, MAY comes up to give me advice on beating him.

I'm not surprised. She's not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box.

Then the PROF. comes up and says that she's an idiot for not believing in me and congratulates me on my victory.

I, for one, am floored by the fact that I beat everyone in the Elite Four with just Rich, some Max Elixirs, and a few Full Restores.

You guys are some pansy ass bitches.

I head into the back room with STEVEN, and my Pokémon ascend to the hall of fame.

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A WINNER IS ME.

I beat the game in just under 24 total hours.

Not too shabby.

I hope you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

But, since I beat the game, that means the blog is done.

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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Day 7: Lots of shit happens, and I catch me a rare monster.

Turning the game on and making it the rest of the way through this damned rainstorm, I run into an ABSOL.

It looks sorta rare, so I decide to capture it. Unfortunately, Rich has other plans. Even his weakest move utterly destroys the ABSOL.

I'm fine with that, though. I didn't need another wuss Pokémon, anyway. I've got Buddy for that.

I head on through grass, trainers, and lots and lots of berry trees, and who do I discover but Team Aqua headed to MT. PYRE.

No. You know what? No. Fuck that shit. I'm heading in the opposite direction from these little shits. I'll go do something constructive with my life for once. See if I can't help out someone in need or something.

Oh, wait, the Safari Zone's right over there? A place where I can throw rocks at Pokémon?

SCORE.

I pay to get in, walk around a little, and then it is revealed to me that I can't throw rocks at anything! The only options now are Giving it a Pokéblock or getting nearer to it.

Captain Picard, if you'd do the honors.

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Thank you, Captain.

Soured by that experience, I decide to set out and destroy Team Aqua after all.

Rich and I need to take our aggression out somehow.

First, though, Rich needs a little healing. We head to the nearest town, LILYCOVE, and spot MAY in front of some giant store.

She tells me she's worried I'm not raising my ugly little bastards well enough, and challenges me to a battle.

Not raising them well enough? Bitch, they smoked your ass last time, and they're about to again.

I, of course, do just that, and head into the store to see if there's anything worth buying.

I pick up some more crap for my awesome fort, and, realizing that I told Corky I'd come back for him once I got FLY, I hop on Jake to MAUVILLE, and then head on down to the Daycare center.

I pick him up, and it seems that he's gone up 18 levels to level 31.

Not too shabby.

I FLY back to LILYCOVE and head on into MT. PYRE.

It looks a lot like the Pokémon Tower in Kanto. I ask around and, sure enough, it's a "final resting place" for Pokémon.

I've been playing these games for ten years, and never had any of my Pokémon die on me. And I treat mine like shit. What are these assholes doing wrong?

Wandering around MT. PYRE, I encounter a Vulpix. Since I loved the crap out of these little beasties in Blue and Red, I capture her.

Since I'm listening to the Aquabats, I name her Chainsaw and head on my way to besting Archie once more.

I make my way further up the mountain, beating these Aqua dickweeds easily. I make it to Archie, ready for a big battle, and...

He runs away. Runs back to his "secret hideout."

Pussy.

Now I've gotta hunt him down and find him? Fine. But I'm kicking his ass twice for this one.

I FLY back to LILYCOVE and shake down the stooges at the secret hideout. They inform me he's going to try and "jack" a sub in SLATEPORT.

Seriously. they said "jack."

I didn't even know you could subjack someone.

I FLY down there, and see CPT. STERN being interviewed by a TV reporter, and then Team Aqua comes and steals the sub while he was talking to the media.

...Dude, this is the second time this week Aqua has fucked up your shit. You suck.

I SURF South from SLATEPORT to see all the sites I passed on the ferry. On the way, I spy an abandoned ship. Hoping there'll be some sweet treasure, I hop on board.

I battle some idiots here and there, get some TMs and other assorted goodies, and head back out onto the open seas.

I swim around for a while and find:

Nothing. Not one damn clue as to what to do now. So, i guess I know exactly where to for that.

-GameFAQs-

I have to go back to the friggin' hideout?

That's. Asinine.
Fine, I'll do it. I was only gonna kick your ass twice, Archie. Now I'm gonna kill you dead.

I make my way to their hideout and get through their stupid ass floor puzzle and moron flunkies to get to AQUA ADMIN MATT, who's "a cut above the rest."

His Pokémon go down in a single Leaf Blade like all the rest. Unfortunately, Archie gets away again.

Seriously. What a fucking Pansy.

I claim my Master Ball and head out to find him.

I make my way to MOSSDEEP CITY without any big hassles and check out the sign.

"MOSSDEEP CITY
Our slogan: Cherish POKÉMON"

It's a bit more uplifting than OLDALE's, I'll admit, but it's still pretty damned insipid.

I walk into some random houses, like I always do when I come to a new town, and who do I spot but STEVEN. He gives me TM08, DIVE.

Assuming I'll need a new badge to use this one too, I head over to the Gym in town. Team Aqua can wait.

I crack the riddle of the floor puzzle, and head up to beat the Gym leader.

Err. Leaders?

Apparently, I get to battle two psychic twins.

If anything, that just means it's easier, since they'll only have two Pokémon.

Rich and Aaron are up for whatever they can dish out.

Hell, Rich alone could probably smoke them. Aaron's just overkill.

Holy shit. Their Pokémon are Rock/Psychic.

I take back my previous "probably". Rich could beat these motherfuckers with a blindfold on.

Leaf Blade, go!

Aaaaand they're dead. Now I get my sweet badge, my sweet cash reward, and probably some lame-ass TM.

Unfortunately, none of my current Pokémon are capable of using DIVE. Guess I'll have to go capture one.

I head to a nearby cave, and find some sort of fat walrus thing called a SPHEAL. I beat it into submission, and capture the little monster. Since I'm listening to Lisa Loeb, I name her Lisa I Voted For Kodos, I name her Kodos.

What are you looking at? I wasn't listening to any Lisa Loeb. No sir. Just some good old fashioned third-wave ska.

>_>

Look, do you want to hear about the rest of the adventure or not? That's what I thought.

Anyway, I look around the cave some more, Rich cracks some skulls, and Corky evolves into a Gloom. Realizing i have a Sun Stone with me, I turn him into a Bellossom.

Awww, isn't he pretty?

I head to a mart to sell some of my miscellaneous shit, go to a Pokémon center to heal up and pull out Lisa Kodos, and we get to diving.

I head off to the South to go to what the map calls SOOTOPOLIS CITY, dive on down, and explore.

I resurface in the giant clamshell of a city, and head straight North, spying a Gym ahead in the distance.

Sweet, the final Gym! I'll just walk in, kick "WALLACE"'s ass and... Wait, the Gym is locked? Motherfuck.

I wander around town, receiving berries and WAILMER dolls from random folks. It's pretty nice to get to know these folks, until someone asks that if I get a big BARBOACH, could I please come show it to him.

Being fairly certain he's offering me some mansex, I politely decline and get the hell out of there.

Man, are all these townsfolk so fucked up?

Realizing this town is a dead-end, I head to the final town on the map, PACIFIDLOG.

I swear to god, that's the name of the town. I thought maybe the map had a typo or something, but once I got there, the sign, the people that live there, everything says PACIFIDLOG.

More than that, the entire town if on giant logs floating in the water.

I'm getting out of here as soon as possible.

Checking out random houses to get a clue what to do, someone offers to trade a CORSOLA for a Bellossom.

Hear that, Corky? You're getting traded, you son of a bitch!

Now I've got a level 32 Water Pokémon that I can hopefully put to good use.

Since this town seems pretty barren, I decide to swim on down to SLATEPORT and see what I see on the way.

Beating trainers and acquiring cash, I failed to see any deep water to DIVE into.

Assuming I'll need to use dive to find the missing sub and Archie, I head back to MOSSDEEP.

Seeing all sorts of deep water, I DIVE here and there, getting rare Candies and the like, until I find the cave where there's a sub parked.

I guess. I don't know what you call it when a sub is alongside a rock formation and stopped.

I run in there, figure out the puzzles, beat the buttfaces of Team Aqua, and finally find Archie.

You are so fucking dead.

After loosing Rich on him, he drops the Red Orb he stole from MT. PYRE, which glows and clears the fog from the room.

And then something else happens.

The big amorphous blob in the lake starts to move.

It flies out of the water and disappears in a flash. Maxie then comes in and bitches about how the world might be destroyed if something isn't done, blah blah blah.

STEVEN then flies in after Maxie departs, like the utter, utter tool he is, and makes some broad comments about the world ending and needing to go to SOOTOPOLIS.

Yes, I get the hint. To SOOTOPOLIS, Jake!

We arrive there, and everyone's house is all boarded up.

I see STEVEN chatting it up with WALLACE. Then they drag me with them while they talk and throw me into the Cave of Origins.

I wander around for a bit, and find the monster causing all the commotion, KYOGRE.

Rich beats his ass down to a sliver of health, and I toss out an Ultra Ball.

Since the soundtrack to his epic defeat was Soul Man, I decide to name him Belushi.

I leave the cave, heal up, and head to the Gym where STEVEN wishes me luck.

Eat me.

I head inside to take on WALLACE, assuming his water types will go down easy to Rich's might.

Shit. This floor puzzle is actually pretty hard.

Gimme, like, five minutes here, guys.

-five minutes later-

Fuck, that was hard. I screwed up once, and had to fight everyone in the goddamn Gym.

That just served to help, thought, since Rich leveled like a motherfucker.

Rich beats all their asses in single Leaf Blade attacks.

We earn the Badge. We save. We power down for the night.

Tomorrow! Rich and I take on the Elite Four! Unless it's really fucking hard to get there! But we'll do it by the end of the week!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Day 6: I don't have a goddamn clue who my rival is supposed to be.

Now that I have a SURF capable Pokémon, I never have to go through that Cave of Annoyingly Disgusting Odors and Balloon Bunnies again.

Thank god.

I make it to MAUVILLE, where some guy that I'm apparently supposed to recognize tasks me with shutting down a generator for some reason. He doesn't really give me any backstory on why it needs shutting down, but, hey, it's XP.

So I SURF on down to the place where he told me it was, kill some Voltorbs and Magnemites, turn off the generator, blah blah blah. He doesn't even give me anything cool.

Dick.

I SURF East from MAUVILLE, and see a whole lot of not-very-threatening trainers. Rich devours their eternal souls, and we're well on our way to the next town, when all of a sudden, who do I spy but the Team Aqua assholes again.

And this time, they've taken over a Weather Institute to get some Pokémon they were genetically engineering there.

Yes, a Weather Institute had the capability to genetically engineer creatures.

And I don't have a damn clue why.

Since half of Team Aqua's grunts has Water Pokémon, Rich again tears through them with Leaf Blade.

I clear Team Aqua out, and the weather nerds reward me with CASTFORM, the very Pokémon they were engineering.

Not giving a crap about the worthless thing, I don't even bother to name it.

I go a little farther and am challenged by MAY. Rich is so high a level that he wallops her WAILMER (Note to self: New masturbation euphemism: "Walloping the Wailmer") beats her SHROOMISH in one hit, and even takes out her COMBUSKEN.

Her Fire/Bird type. Defeated by my Grass type.

That's. Fucked. Up.
Sad as that may be, she then gives me the HM for FLY, and I do a little dance.

Yes! Now I'll just FLY from now on. No more walking for me!

...

What do you mean, I need a new badge to do that? Oh, goddammit.

Fine, I'll go beat the next Gym leader, then. She can't be that hard to get to.

What is this crap? There's an invisible barrier of some kind blocking the way to the Gym. Some random townsfolk mentioned STEVEN, who I ran into on my way here. They mention how he's stronger than even the Gym leader here.

Wait a second. Hold the goddamn phone. Is STEVEN my rival now? Or is it MAY?

And where the fuck does WALLY fit into all this?

I'm gonna hunt STEVEN down and get some answers.

I find him Southeast of town, complaining about there being something invisible here, too. He gives me a DEVON SCOPE, and the blockage is revealed as a KECLEON.

Rich lays waste to the little bastard, and we head on back to FORTREE to do the same to the one outside the Gym.

Once that's accomplished, we head inside, and are shocked to find that the floor puzzle in this Gym is nothing more than revolving doors.

I deftly avoid the myriad Bird Pokémon Trainers, and head straight for the Leader, Winona.

Whoa! Another sexy, teenage Gym leader! Sure, she uses a Pokémon type that Rich is weak against, but if I beat her, that'll only serve to impress her further.

Rich Leaf Blades her Birds into oblivion, and I collect my badge and fly on back home to visit my MOM.

As I would have expected, she has nothing useful to say, so I fly back to FORTREE to head on my way to he next badge.

What is this shit? It's raining? I suppose this means that everyone up ahead will have Water Pokémon boosted up by this, then.

Good. Rich's Leaf Blade trigger finger is gettin' a mite itchy.

It'll have to wait, though, because it's time for me to open up a savings account, having a new job and all.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Day 5: Some Gym leaders are hot, and others are my father.

I start up the game once more, remembering that, instead of saving near a Pokémon Center, I stopped playing near the ash-hole's house.

Get it? ASH-hole? DEAR GOD, THAT'S HUMOROUS.

...Anyway, I make my way back to FALLARBOR, stopping briefly do to being attacked by a SKARMORY. Remembering them as being fairly good in Gold and Silver, and noticing that I need a flying Pokémon of some type, I capture him.

Since I'm currently listening to The Science of Selling Yourself Short, I name him Jake.

With my newest acquisition, I continue on my way, only to be drawn into battle by a four-year-old in a pile of ash claiming to be a ninja.

Dude. Quit inhaling that stuff. It's fucking with your mind.

Insane ninja or not, he's still easily defeated by Mike's Ember, and we're back on our way to finding the next gym, healing up in FALLARBOR and trudging through the myriad battles in and around METEOR FALLS.

Wait, the way out of METEOR FALLS leads back to RUSTBORO? Fuck. Now I've got to go all the way back through all sorts of systems of caves and shit. And these damn raccoon infested grasses again.

You're lucky I'm not playing you in a gameboy, Sapphire, otherwise your ass would be getting thrown against a wall right now.

Making my way through the cave, VERDANTURF, and MAUVILLE, I arrive back at the place with the rocks blocking the way North out of MAUVILLE. Breaking them once again, a GEODUDE suddenly springs forth from the rock to assault me.

WHAT? Where the fuck was he when I first needed to break that rock? Oh, you fucking cock, I'm going to enslave you and keep you in a box just to teach you a lesson.

Since Me First and the Gimme Gimmes are covering It's Still Rock and Roll To Me, I name him Billy.

I beat random trainers here and there that I missed on my first pass through here, and arrive in FALLARBOR once more.

Having come full circle, and not having a damn clue where to go next, I turn to the map that the Devon corp. President gave me.

Apparently, I passed it somehow, so I head back to Mt. Chimney, assuming that'll give me some clue as to where to go next.

Thankfully, I figure out that I'm supposed to go south from the top of Mt. Chimney, via the cable car, and arrive in the town of LAVARIDGE.

With a name like that, I'm sure the leader will have Fire Pokémon, which poses a problem for me, since I have no water Pokémon to speak of.

Then an old woman by some hot springs gives me an egg. Why she did that, I couldn't tell you but, hey, free egg.

I enter the gym, which is either full of steam, or someone set up a fog machine to make the battle seem more dramatic.

Either way, I deftly navigate through the floor puzzle without battling a single crony, and head straight for the Gym leader.

She bumbles through her introduction, clearly in awe over how attractive I am. I do, however, manage to pick up that her name is Flannery. Not the best of names, but she's a spiky-haired redhead with a nice rack, so I'm not complaining much.

She sends out her first two fire monsters, which are then crippled by Mike amazing Magnitude attack. She sends out her final Pokémon, some sort of Fire-breathing turtle a whole level higher than Mike.

He's doing pretty good, until her Pokémon unleashes a devastating body slam that leaves him with just one HP. Knowing just what to do to motivate my friends, I tell him that if he doesn't win, he's going into the fucking box with Billy and Corky for the rest of his goddamn existence.

Faced with such uplifting support, he does exactly what I goddamn tell him to. Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


Flannery is defeated, goes off on a self referential rant about finding herself and thanking me for defeating her to help her see the error of her ways.

Look, if you want to thank me, just gimme your number. Did I mention I have a sweet-ass tree fort?

Cuz I do.

Instead, she just gives me a TM, and tells me that I remind her of the Gym leader of PETALBURG, NORMAN.

Wow, I remind you of my father? It's almost as if we were related or something.

Exiting the Gym in a combination of confusion over her comment and disappointment over the lack of digits, I run into MAY, who gives me a pair of GO-GOGGLES. Assuming they're X-Ray goggles of some kind, I put them on and stare at her chest, but no such luck.

She tells me they're intended for getting through the sandstorms that have blocked my way here and there.

Works for me, I guess, since now I'll be able to go to all sorts of other places and ogle all sorts of other females.

Oh, and capture new Pokémon too, I guess. Whatever.

Since I'll be heading through mountains once again, I put Rich in the front of the party so he can Leaf Blade some unsuspecting hikers without mercy or reason.

Making my way through the desert and destroying people's dreams of being Pokémon masters, my egg hatches into a WYNAUT.

WYNAUT? Why not? That's a pretty bad pun, even for a Pokémon game.

Since Red Elvises is on, I name the little guy Buddy.

A little further into the desert, I discover two fossils, the ROOT FOSSIL and the CLAW FOSSIL, but I can only pick one. but which one do I want?

-GameFAQs-

Neither sound very powerful, but at least the CLAW FOSSIL monster looks cool. I grab it, and the other one sinks into the sand.

Deciding that I'll take up MAY's advice and challenge my father, I way my back through MAUVILLE, VERDANTURF, and RUSTBORO, stopping to report to the DEVON CORPORATION PRESIDENT that his package was delivered safely.

He gives me the EXP. SHARE, and tells me to leave. I steal the paperweight off his desk, and stroll out of his office.

I give Buddy the EXP. SHARE, knowing how much he could use the Experience, and head on my way back to PETALBURG.

Alright, DAD. let's do this shit.

Instead of being in the first room, like in the beginning, he's behind several rooms worth of trainers with only one Pokémon and a gimmick each.

Rich decimates with Leaf Blade, leaving shattered dreams and shattered bones behind as I prepare to face my father.

He says how proud he is of me, then sends out his first Pokémon, a SLAKING.

SLAKING hits Rich pretty hard, but goes down to Rich's Leaf Blade.

Next comes VIGOROTH, who is immediately taken out with a single Critical Leaf Blade. And then he levels to 36.

That's two-zero, DAD. better make your next one count.

Another SLAKING? That's just sad.

It Focuses at the start of battle, and Rich hits it with a Leaf Blade and puts it into the yellow. Since Rich did so much damage, it loses its focus the next turn, and is finished off by a final Leaf Blade.

Way to go, DAD. You managed to hit me one single time. No wonder you left home. it was probably out of shame, you worthless piece of toe fungus. Now gimme my badge.

Oh, and just to further spite my dad, Rich evolves

He looks pretty badass, eh?

On my way back home, I run into a trainer that I hadn't faced the first time I went to PETALBURG.

A trainer with a pair of level 4 ZIGZAGOONs.

Rich, if you show the slightest bit of mercy, I'm disowning you.

He heeds my warning and devours them both whole, and the trainer as well.

Feeling pretty good about that, I skip the rest of the way home.

MOM gives me an AMULET COIN in exchange for beating DAD.

I decide to go see what Professor von Hippie has to say about it. He just mentions my Pokédex isn't very full.

As though I care.

Remembering that DAD said something about WALLY's parents having something they wanted to give me, I make my way back to VERDANTURF, in the hopes that it's either FLY or SURF.

Once again in the Cave of Oddly Thick Air, I am repeatedly attacked by the balloon bunnies.

It's like they have a death wish or something.

Rich is 6 times their level, for chrissakes. what can they possibly hope to accomplish, other than mild annoyance.

I arrive in VERDANTURF, only to be reminded that WALLY's parents live in PETALBURG. Which means I have to go through that goddamn cave again, as well as alerted to the fact that WALLY has seemingly left home and is nowhere to be found.

WALLY, you're fucking dead for this.

Back in PETALBURG, WALLY's dad gives me HM03.

It's about fucking time.

But, what's this? Buddy can't learn SURF? But he's clearly a Water Pokémon.

...Waddya mean he's Psychic? He's fucking Blue and aquatic looking!

Fine, I'll teach it to Ozzy, just to fucking spite you. There, now Ozzy knows Strength, Surf, and Rock Smash. He's five levels lower, and five times as valuable.

You piece of congealed monkey vomit.

Since it's almost time for me to head to work, I'm gonna save and power down here.

More to come tomorrow, folks.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Day 4: Check out my sweet tree fort.

I open up the game once more, eager to see what awaits me within Lanette's house. I walk in to discover her hard at work, programming or coding or whatever it is Japanese women do when they apparently have a server in their own home. I offer to teach her how to love, but she spouts off some technobabble and sends me on my way.

Man, these girls panties are about as easy to get into as Fort Knox. Maybe if I find some way to impress her, she'll swoon for me.

I set off back towards Mt. Chimney, under the assumption that smoking Team Aqua would do wonders to uncross Lanette's legs. Oh, yeah, and, uh, save the world. Whatever.

I arrive back at Mt. Chimney, and Team Magma shows up to try and do battle with Team Aqua. They keep most of the flunkies busy, but I still have to fight two of them, plus ARCHIE.

ARCHIE fights about as well as his name would imply, and runs off in tears. I stop their machine designed to cause rain or whatever the hell it's supposed to do and be on my way, grabbing the meteorite that was evidently the machine's power source.

Seriously, I'm not making that up. Their machine was powered by a hunk of space rock. And they wonder why the scheme failed?

On my way back to Lanette's, I'm given a TM by some guy. He calls it SECRET POWER, which I remember having been told earlier could make trees inhabitable.

I teach it to Mike and test it on a nearby tree.

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Damn. That is a stylin' pad. All I need now is a bed, and my love shack to entice Lanette will be complete.

On my way back to Lanette's, I encounter a man in his house offering to make me items out of glass if I collect ash from the surrounding grass for him.

Intrigued to see what kind of wares he's offering, I try it out.

I've walked through the grass enough times to have Mike level up twice. That's gotta be worth something, right?

Looking at what he's offering to make, I decide I'll go for the PRETTY DESK, assuming that it'll tickle Lanette's fancy. He informs me that I need 7745 more pieces of ash before he can make that for me.

I stare at him goggle-eyed before saving and closing down the game.

I've got better shit to do with my time than collect ash. Tonight's the night I'm hanging with the guys.

Tomorrow's episode will be much longer, I promise.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Day 3: The third Gym and a totally Batshit family.

I arrive in the town of MAUVILLE, and spot a familiar face in front of the Gym. It's that assbiscuit WALLY, who seemingly couldn't catch a Pokémon without me holding his hand.

And he's attempting to take on the people in the Gym.

I show him the error of his ways by beating his RALTS into a coma. He flees back home to VERDANTURF, and his father thanks me for persuading him not to challenge the Gym leader.

Anytime, pops.

I head into the Gym, which seems to be populated by people with all Electric and Electric/Steel Pokémon . Mostly Magnemites, which are resistant to Psychic, Poison, Grass, Bug, Dark, and Normal attacks. That's every single attack between my two guys.

Facing adversity like my Viking ancestors before me, I manage to beat everyone within the Gym as well as conquer their lame ass floor puzzle. The Gym leader rewards me with a TM for an Electric attack that never misses.

I throw it into my backpack with the rest of the worthless crap Gym leaders give me, and head on my merry way to heal up my Pokémon. Aaron is level 23 and Rich level 25.

I look around the beach to the east to find nothing but trainers with oddly low-level Pokémon, considering the level of the creatures in the Gym. I trounce them all and decide to head North, since East is a water route.

Upon heading North, I notice a guy weeping in the fetal position by the side of the road. I steal his wallet and ask him what's wrong, and he blubbers about a terrifyingly strong family of trainers up ahead.

In order to kick this guy while he's down, I take it upon myself to defeat these clowns. Turns out they're only about three feet away from where I'm currently standing, which is good, because then I can beat them in front of the moron sitting in his own urine puddle.

I challenge the guy outside the house. He succumbs quickly, having only two Pokémon . Then he calls his wife out to take me on.

Hold on a sec here, dude. You need your wife to fight your battles for you. That's pretty low.

Anyway, she comes out with a single water monster. Rich decimates with Bullet Seed, and the wife calls out her daughter to take me on.

...Seriously? Alright.

The daughter's about on par with her mom there, but gasp! She paralyzes Aaron! Having no way to cure him, and unable to head to a Pokémon center until I've beaten all of them, I soldier on, hoping he'll manage.

The daughter is defeated, and out comes the final challenge. I steel myself from what will undoubtedly be a difficult battle, and out comes:

Their grandmother.

She chastises me for making her granddaughter cry, and sends out her first Pokémon . Despite being paralyzed, Aaron makes quick work of it. She sends out her next Pokémon, and I send out Rich to have a better chance of winning. Unfortunately, Rich is then paralyzed too.

Struggling valiantly onwards, Rich defeats this Pokémon, and trades off back and forth with Aaron to defeat her remaining three monsters, despite the two of them both being under Paralysis.

After giving the family a spanking their asses will never recover from, they invite me inside, where they inform me that the son of the family is the best battler of them all, and is going to challenge the Pokémon League, or some other such crap.

Foreshadowing, perhaps? Who gives a fuck?


With both of my monsters having leveled up and in need of healing, I head back to MAUVILLE and decide to try my luck going west of the town. The path is full of trainers whose Pokémon rarely break level 12. Aaron flies through, Psybeaming them all into oblivion, and we all arrive in VERDANTURF, WALLY's hometown.

I know this because it's been referenced at least 7 times. I get the hint, guys. Go to VERDANTURF.

So, I arrive in VERDANTURF. Remembering being told that I can get a CONTEST PASS here, I head for the contest building.

Upon receiving my pass, I'm offered a chance to enroll immediately. Knowing Rich is the awesomest thing since sliced bread, I accept.

Unfortunately, the judges don't agree, and Rich comes in second. He goes on to kill all the other contestants, and we head off to the cave in the North.

It seems to be the cave I was in earlier, the one blocked by two foot rocks. Only now, I can Rock Smash them to destroy them and get through. I walk around the cave for a while in an attempt to find a Pokémon I can teach Rock Smash to.

Nothing but these damn rabbit balloon monstrosities. Not so much as a Geodude in sight. I'll head back to MAUVILLE and see if I can't get anything cool from North of there.

What? you mean to tell me the same fucking rocks are blocking the path North, too?!? Goddammit.

I head on back south, past the Cycling road, only this time I take a detour West that I had previously ignored.

There are a few tough battles, since Rich gets paralyzed in a two-on-two battle against some 8-year-old girls, but the final trainer on this path is a Fisherman with a level 5 Magikarp, a level 10 Tentacool, and a level 15 Magikarp.


Cake.

Unfortunately, this path is also a dead end unless I get a SURFing Pokémon.

Heading back to VERDANTURF, I say fuck it and pull Corky from his box to teach him Rock Smash.

Unfortunately, being the pansy bitch he is, he can't learn it, so I leave him with the Daycare lady.

I'll come back and get him once I get FLY.

I head back into the cave and catch the damn rabbit bastard. I'll teach him Rock Smash, them set him free. I don't need such a retarded looking creature joining in on my awesome adventure.

HE CAN'T LEARN IT EITHER?

Oh, this is just fucking asinine.

Look, there's a Casino in MAUVILLE, maybe I can buy a Rock or Ground type there.

The girl next door has a Coin Case? Alright, let's go talk to her.

...All she talks about is bikes! Maybe I'll ask around the casino more.

Nothing. Maybe I'll ask some random townsfolk.

Dammit, how do I get this cocksucking Coin Case?

-GameFAQs-

So I have to trade her some stationary for her Coin Case? Man, Japan is fucking chauvinistic.

On my way back to SLATEPORT, Rich hits 29, and learns a new move, Leaf Blade. I test it out on a level 18 Magnemite.

Good sweet Christ! It was a one hit kill, and it wasn't even effective! Rich is well on his way to becoming ungodly powerful. Ah, well, let's head to the casino.

The Casino doesn't sell Pokémon in this game? That's fucking ridiculous. Now what am I supposed to do?

After about ten minutes of walking back to SLATEPORT, sailing to DEWFORD, finding the cave in the north of town, and walking around in the cave, I capture a MAKUHITA. I name him Ozzy, since Hand of Doom is playing while the Pokéball flies.

I teach him Rock Smash, and we set off for adventure. Too bad he's only level 9, meaning I probably won't ever use him again. Besides, having trainer Ozzie with a Pokémon named Ozzy would've been too damned confusing.

I smash the rock in the cave, and the tool on the other side gives me HM04. I teach it to Ozzy, and then go to WANDA's house, since that's evidently where digger boy went.

Turns out WANDA is WALLY's cousin. Various members of the family thank me for aiding their moron offspring, and WALLY pledges to defeat me in battle someday. I spit on his shoes and leave.

I head North from MAUVILLE, besting random trainers along the way with Rich's Leaf Blade. Rich levels up twice, and we arrive at Mt. Chimney.

A sign notifies me of a cable car just to the North, but the way there is blocked off by none other than Team Aqua. Since neither of these lackeys will fight me, I decide to head inside the cave of Mt. Chimney, assuming there'll be battles within.

Within the cave, I capture a NUMEL, which, if I remember correctly, is capable of fire attacks. Since Skankin' Pickle is playing The Hussein Skank for me, I name him Mike.

I make it to the town of FALLARBOR, where I encounter a girl by the name of LANETTE in the Pokémon center. She invites me to join her at her house and, seeing as there's no gym or anything else remotely interesting in this town, I accept.

I make the arduous journey to her house, laying waste to the dipshits with water Pokémon on the way. As I stand to the threshold of her house, I save and close the game.

Today's Thursday, and that means it's payday. Pokémon will have to wait for tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Day 2: Rustboro Town

Ah, RUSTBORO The first town with a Gym I can test my skills at. Now to find the fucking thing.

Holy Christ, this town is huge. I was heading for the Gym, but then I saw a sign for CUTTER'S HOUSE. Assuming there's an emo kid within I can make fun of, I enter.

Bah, just an HM. Ah, well, maybe I'll go back to PETALBURG later and cut down some of the trees and get some new stuff.

So here's the Gym, eh? Well, let's test Rich's mettle.

A GEODUDE? I know for a fact that grass kicks the snot out of rock. This is gonna be cake. Cake full of delicious, delicious frosting.

Sweet merciful Christ. A TM I got from someone on the way here allowed Rich to hit the leader's final Pokémon, five times in a single turn, for a critical super-effective.

I get the suspicion she'll be pressing assault charges after that.

Rich hits 16 and learns a Dark move. Aaron has evolved into a cocoon of some kind. He's dead to me now. Dead.

Whoa! After the battle, Rich evolves too, into some sort of winged lizard. Clearly, he will be an unstoppable force. The next leader better watch out, because Rich is gunnin' for him.

Some poor schmuck gets mugged as I exit the Gym. Sucks to be him, but I've got trees to prune. I saw a Pokéball just outside of the town, and that's worth more to me than some moron's GOODS.

After getting the crappy prize behind the tree, I decide to take another look around the town. A woman in a mansion complains the hardest part of her day is deciding what to eat. Apparently, LITTLEROOT isn't the only town inhabited by crazy bitches.

The same assmaster from the forest is apparently the one who got his shit jacked. I guess I'll have to go lay another beatdown on Team Aqua.

Fags.

On Route 114, I'm attacked by trainers whose Pokémon are about half Rich's level and are mostly bugs and water. Rich laughs in triumph over all the slain corpses and drinks a refreshing potion.

Also, more raccoons in the grass. God, I hate these fucking things.

Jesus. Bullet Seed is spanking ass around here. Time to enter this cave that is probably filled with rock Pokémon that will soon be tasting Rich's bullety fury.

God, the air in here is so thick and dusty. It's like the inside of a goddamn vacuum cleaner bag. Aaron nearly suffocates, then realizes he's a cocoon, and is fine.

Oh, look, it's that Aqua tool again. With a stolen bird. I guess I'll have to get it back for the centuries old dude standing outside the cave.

His POOCHYENA is more riddled with bullets than your average Trigun bystander. He breaks into tears and flees like the pussy he is.

Rich hits 18, and it's implied that I've got to head back to RUSTBORO to drop off the GOODS. Sweet. I get to backtrack. On the way back, Rich mauls some more raccoons. Then a small child. I choose to look the other way about JOEY here.

He chose to raise a fucking raccoon monster: he got what was coming to him.

Mr. Apparent Fucking Genius rewards me with another Great Ball as I fork over the goods upon entering town. He then takes me to meet the president of the corporation.

Look buddy. Unless there's a free Pokémon in it for me, I'm not interested.

A map? A map?!? I save your moron employee's ass twice, and all I get is a map? And fuck your letter delivery mission. I'm a Pokémon Master, not a mailman.

On my way out, I offer the secretary a wild night she'll never forget. Unfortunately, she just thanks me for coming to visit the DEVON CORPORATION again and again.

Frigid cow.

Back on my way through the Cave of Fetid Stench, I'm attacked by something that looks suspiciously like a balloon with rabbit ears. I kill it, only to discover that the way beyond is block by a two foot rock.

Unfortunately, it seems that jumping two feet is impossible, so I am stymied until I figure out a way around. I might as well hit the Pokémon Center once more while I ponder this.

Seeing as the people in the Pokémon Center are evidently retarded, I go to the local trainer's school in the hopes that I can meet someone of at least moderate intelligence.

No such luck. The same slack-jawed goons that inhabit the rest of the town can be found here. Even the teacher spouts off something utterly nonsensical before giving me an item.

I see MAY on the Southern edge of RUSTBORO, indicating that I'll have to travel back to PETALBURG. She doesn't even battle me. What a dickweed.

On the way back through the forest, Aaron hits level 10 and becomes a DUSTOX. Hopefully, this means he'll learn a decent move for once.

The local drunken retired sailor, MR. BRINEY, is seen chasing his pet bird around, presumably to have sex with it. He then offers to take me to the town I'm headed for on his dinghy. Hoping that's not a sexual innuendo, I accept.

I arrive in DEWFORD, and immediately spot the Gym. Assuming this gym will have water
Pokémon within, I enter with Rich at the ready to annihilate everyone within.

What the Jesus. I'm on an island. Why the fuck does everyone have Fighting Pokémon? Well, we'll try out Aaron's newest move, Confusion, on these bad boys.

Aaron gets his ass handed to him by the first trainer. Luckily, Rich is there to finish the job Confusion started.

On my way back to the
Pokémon Center, I see some moron blathering on about UNAVOIDABLE LOOK being the hottest thing ever.

I alert him to what's really cool.

Hoping he'll be going home to tell his parents all about it, I head in to heal my Pokémon and steel my nerves up for the coming battles.

In a shocking upset against the Gym leader, Aaron outlasted Rich and managed to secure a victory.

Sorry, Rich. looks like you're second string now.

Well, with two badges under my belt, I choose to retire once more to the real world.

Tune in tomorrow to see what zany crap happens next.


I take it back. Further exploration is needed.

First, I wander into a cave to the North of town. Few trainers, but lots of random encounters. I find a repel, but it wears off too quickly to be of any use. On the plus side, Aaron learns Flash, which is good, considering I can't see five feet in front of my face in this cave.

Luckily, I find the tool I was supposed to deliver the letter to in some far-off shaft. Hehe. Shaft.

There doesn't seem to be any way out of this room besides the way I came in. Fortunately, I found an Escape Rope just outside the mouth of the cave. And here I was thinking that Pokémon games were above convenient plot devices like that.

I decide to head back to the boat guy and leave this terrible hick island once and for all. He offers two choices of travel, so I choose to explore SLATEPORT. Hey, maybe there's a Gym here.

As we breeze through the water on his boat, I notice a bunch of people in the water and what appears to be a sunken boat. At first I wonder how tough the pirate skeletons in there are, then I realize there's probably nothing in it but fish Pokémon and probably more of those damned raccoons.

I arrive in SLATEPORT, only to find that there's not Gym to be found. I do spot a museum that looks like it might be fun, until I see none other than Team Aqua cronies hanging around outside, trying to get in.

I go heal my Pokémon and battle some of the trainers on the beach to get Rich and Aaron ready to kick some ass.

Upon returning to the museum, I notice that all of the Team Aqua members are inside. More than that, they all paid the fifty dollar admission to get in.

They paid admission to a museum. This guys are about as evil as the villains from the fucking Care Bears.

I walk in, and who do I spy but the same Aqua peon once again, staring at an exhibit about starfish. He recognizes me, wets himself, gives me a TM if I promise not to hurt him, and runs out of the museum crying.

I head up to the second floor, and discover CAPT. STERN, the man the GOODS are for, checking out an exhibit on the mating patterns of marine life. And I mean really checking it out.

I clear my throat, and hand him his GOODS. I attempt to leave the room, back to the wall, when two more team Aqua members attack me to try and get ahold of CAPT. STERN's GOODS.

...

Nah, that one's too easy.

Anyway, I lay waste to them, and then their leader appears to try and help them out. he introduces himself as ARCHIE.

By the time I'm through laughing at his name, his feelings are so hurt, he declares he no longer wants the GOODS and flees the room.

Leaving this town of fish-fetishists behind, I head North upon Route Whatever-The-Hell-We're-Up-To-By-Now. I spy another sign proclaiming "Two steps > and two steps ^ to the TRICK MASTER's HOUSE."

Clearly, the TRICK MASTER realizes this world is full of utter fuckwits. Ones that need direction from the sign directly in front of a house to the door of said house. TRICK MASTER, I salute thee.

I enter the house, only to find the TRICK MASTER hiding under his kitchen table.

...I'm beginning to think he's not as great as my initial impression would have suggested.

In any case, he challenges me to solve the maze he's got in the back of his house, offering a special prize if I can. Hoping this won't be a Buffalo Bill situation, I head on back.

The maze looks pretty straightforward. No dead ends, just some CUTtable trees. And somehow, miraculously, three trainers that managed to get lost in this maze that I can clearly see the finish line of from the beginning of the maze. then again, I guess they don't have an isometric viewpoint.

I easily beat all three of them and manage my way out of the disturbingly simple maze. TRICK MASTER is astonished. I would make more fun of him, but he did manage to capture three brainless goons in his basement, which is more than I've contributed to society. He hands me a Rare Candy, and I'm on my way.

I walk further down the Route, besting various trainers and random encounter Pokémon , until I run into none other than MAY, begging for another battle.

She starts off with a land whale of some kind that Splashes in futility before succumbing to Aaron's poison attacks. Then a flaming chicken. Confusion stops the sucker dead in its tracks, and Aaron enjoys a drumstick and a breast and hits level 20 before she sends out her final Pokémon, another damned SHROOMISH. Rich uses his Bug-powered attack to knock Satan's mushrooms down for the count and levels to 22.

I steal 1200 bucks from her purse after the fight and give Rich the candy. She drops an ITEMFINDER on her way to the Hospital, which I quickly grab before the EMTs notice.

I continue on my way on what the map proclaims to be Route 110, and am approached by something I recognize from my childhood: an Oddish.

Nostalgia flooding back, I send out a Great Ball, only to realize that, once he's captured, I'll have two Grass Pokémon and one Bug. Ah, well, too late for that now. Since Circus Freaks by Corky and the Juice Pigs is currently playing, I name him Corky. I'll stash him in the box once I get to the next town.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

A Journey Through Pokémon: Sapphire

Well, going on what my good friend Timm said, I've decided to make a blog post on my experiences with Pokémon Sapphire. I elected to make a Blogger/Blogspot/Whatever this is called account rather than use MySpace. Because MySpace is shitty. I know it's a little old, but I just recently got the game. (Read: downloaded the rom) so here are my impressions of it. I'll try to be as detailed and hilarious as possible.

So the professor is named Birch in this game, eh? He looks like a goddamned hippie. He's wearing sandals, for God's sake. What kind of world-renowned professors wears fucking flip-flops? Whatever, time to pick my gender. Male, for the sake of accuracy. And a name, too.

What the hell? Sean, Terry, Seth, and Tom? These are the default names to choose from? Oh yes, Team Rocket. Look out for Pokémon master TERRY. He'll fuck you up.


I'll go with my real name, thank you very much.

Seems I'm moving into the town of LITTLEROOT. Why they named a town in all caps is beyond me, but whatever. I'm apparently a foreigner in this game, anyway, so I guess it's just part of the local custom.

Whoa. Holy what-the-fuck whoa. Apparently, I start off the game riding in the moving truck to the new place. The back of the moving truck. With the fucking boxes. And my mom is well aware of the fact that I was in there... That's pretty fucked up, lady.

Huh. I guess there are Machokes moving the furniture in. Not exactly who I'd most trust to carry my TV, but then again, I don't live in a town with all capital letters.

Checking out my room, it seems that I have a TV, bed, PC, and a GameCube. Wait, what? The PC, TV, and GameCube are all already hooked up and functional? I take it back. Those Machokes know exactly what they're doing. I've seen teenagers that couldn't connect a video game system to a TV, let alone set up a PC. These things are fucking geniuses.

Time to set the in-game clock. Which, for some reason, is not a digital clock. And the clock has no numbers or dots or anything to indicate that I've got the right time. Suave game mechanic right there.

After setting the clock, MOM comes upstairs to alert me that DAD is on the television. Why they're both referred to in capitals is beyond me, but I'm starting to sense a theme here. More mystifying, though, is why my father doesn't live with my mother and me. Maybe I'll find out when I visit PETALBURG, the location given to me by the TV broadcast.

MOM then tells me that PROFESSOR BIRCH lives right next door, and that I should go visit him. With not a damn bit of context as to why I should visit this man, other than he knows DAD. Which is a pretty weak fucking reason to go barging into your brand-new neighbor's house.

So I brazenly walk through the door. Because I do as I damn well please in this town that consists of two houses and a lab. There's no law enforcement around to stop me anyway.

So, I walk into the house, and the owner demands to know who I am. Fair enough.
But then she says her daughter has been looking for a new friend, and tells me that she's upstairs. More or less, I barge into her house without introducing myself, and she alerts me to the fact that her teenage daughter is upstairs alone. Oh yeah. She and MOM are gonna hit it off real fucking quick. The goddamn neighborhood Shitty Mother Association, or "SMA" as it'll say on the t-shirts.

Not wanting to do anything to provoke this obviously unstable woman, I head on up the stairs, to find her daughter's room looks about the same as mine, just flipped. Even so, a teenage girl with a game system in her room is kinda sexy.

If only it were something more respectable than a GameCube.

So I talk to her, and she introduces herself as MAY. Then goes on to state that she wants to be friends with me, and that, moreover, dreams of becoming friends with Pokémon all over the world. Then, realizing she was supposed to help her DAD catch Pokémon, she runs out of the room.

Great, she's as nutty as her mom. Maybe I can at least grab a potion out of her PC like I did mine.
Damn, no such luck. Ah, well, maybe I'll head on down to the lab and pick up my grass type Pokémon now.

So, the Prof's not in the lab, as his assistant explains to me. He also feels the need to tell me what "fieldwork" is. I think I can guess what it is, pal. I may not have a fucking labcoat, but I've got a pretty good grasp of the English language.

Well, guess I'll head out of town and see if that triggers something, ala Pokémon Yellow.

Well, it does indeed. There's some moron being chased by a dog Pokémon of some description. Looks like the Pokéballs are in the bag he dropped near me.


What the hell is this malarkey? The Wood Gecko Pokémon? The Mud Fish Pokémon? The goddamn Chick Pokémon?

These motherfuckers sound about as threatening as a pretty butterfly.

Actually, I take that back. At least Butterfree was capable of kicking some ass. These things probably couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag.

Ah, well, I guess it's Wood Gecko time.

I easily stomp the Hyena thingy, mostly because it's level two. Seriously, Prof? You're getting hassled by something that's level 2? That's the kind of thing where you can accidentally hit it with a pokéball to catch it, man. Then again, considering how batshit zany the women in this neighborhood are, I don't expect you to be any more competent.

Now, back at his lab, I get to keep my Pokémon. As though I was gonna give it back? You're lucky I didn't take the other two balls while I was at it, motherfucker.

I name him Rich, after Skankin' Rich, sine there's an Arrogant Sons of Bitches song playing as I play, and Rich is a big fan of them. Also, I don't know the name of anyone in the band.

He recommends I visit his daughter, MAY, who's out hunting Pokémon on route 103. Wait, is she the rival for this game? Well, kudos to her nonetheless for getting out of this backwater burg full of lunatics. I think I'll follow her example while I've got the chance.

Oh, look, my first encounter. And it happened the very second I entered the grass. How unsurprising. Looks like I'm fighting some sort of demented raccoon called a ZIGZAGOON.

Seriously, these all caps names are getting a little weird.

Rich pounds the bastard, and we're on our way.

I end up in Oldale town, where the town motto is "OLDALE TOWN: Where things start off scarce"

Man, their chamber of commerce is the biggest bunch of pessimists.

Following my exciting sign reading escapade, I am hassled by someone who drags me along to the PokéMart where he works. he then informs he that PokéMarts are easily distinguishable by their blue roofs, and sends me off with a free potion. Seriously, that's how you find your way to work in the morning? Find the building with a blue roof? I would have just looked for the building with the big MART sign. Whatever floats your boat, dude.

I try to head to the left out of town, but am stopped by some jacktard who informs me that he's sketching the footprints of a rare Pokémon that passed through there. I guess that's this game's equivalent of Mewtwo, or something. Whatever. I'll just go north.

Reaching Route 103, I spy MAY apparently conversing with a tree. I try to get to her, and am again attacked by a tie-dye raccoon monstrosity.

Making quick work of the sucker, Rich then hits level 6, and gets an entire +1 boost to Speed, Defense, and SP. Atk and a Whopping 2 in Sp. Def and HP. Nothing for attack, though, so I guess he'll be hitting just as hard as a level five version of himself. Awesome.

Then he learns a new Move, Absorb. Huh. Well, I guess it's not all crap, then.

Approaching MAY, she then has the sheer gall to challenge me to a battle. I hope she knows what she's getting into.

Rich Leers at her TORCHIC to lower its defense, then Pounds it into submission and levels up. I reward him with a hearty high-five and prepare for whatever bullshit story MAY's about to hit me with.

She throws 300 bucks my way, and informs me that she's heading back to the lab. This is undoubtedly the part of the game where the Pokédexes are handed out, so I decide to follow her, stopping by the Pokémon center on the way to make sure Rich is fighting fit.

Yep. BIRCH forks over the 'Dex, and MAY produces a Pokéball for me. Just one? What the fuck? Where's my ten balls like in Blue? Hehe. Blue balls. Whatever, I'm sure the 300 bucks you gave me can buy a few more.

I see MOM standing in front of the door to the house, staring straight ahead like the deranged loon she is, so I decide to strike up a conversation.

Bad move. She gives me a pair of shoes that (for what reason, god only knows) break the fourth wall by exclaiming that holding B will make me go faster.

Seeing that Sketch-boy is gone, I head West out of OLDALE, only to be shortly stopped by a trainer looking for a battle.

Oh, look, he's got a stupid fucking raccoon, too. These things are apparently as common as rats in Morrowind. Awesome. Again.

He tail whips Rich a few times, but, considering that Tail Whip doesn't do any damage, is very soundly trounced, giving Rich another level and me 80 bucks.

I run into something called a WURMPLE in the grass. It looks like it might eventually evolve into something useful, so I capture it. I call him Aaron, because now I'm listening to Reel Big Fish.

I deftly avoid trainers until I get near the end of the route and see some trees with fruit on them. I get two ORAN berries and two PECHA berries. What this means, I couldn't tell you, but free items are free items.

I finally make it to PETALBURG, the town where DAD is supposed to be. I hit up the Pokémon Center, and try to make my way to the Gym.

Before I leave the center, I notice someone calling out to me. They want me to fill out a personality form. I write "likes a rock-solid rear" and run away cackling like a madman.

I find the Gym, and DAD says some stuff to me. I'm not listening to him, still giggling over my joke on the poor schmuck in the Pokémon Center. Then in comes this nervous wreck by the name of WALLY. He needs help capturing a Pokémon. Ostensibly because he's retarded, considering even a pre-pubescent girl can capture Pokémon. And by that, I'm of course referring to Ash.

DAD gives him a Pokémon to helps him catch one (again with the fucking raccoon monsters!) and I'm tasked with helping this asshole capture Pokémon. Uh, DAD? I don't know if you notice, but I've only ever managed to capture one. You're a goddamn Gym Leader. Which one of us is better suited for this job?

He begins to say something, but WALLY drags me out into the forest like a goddamn wheelbarrow, where we're attacked by a RALTS.

They're not even fucking trying with these names anymore.

Wally then manages to catch RALTS all by himself, without any damn input from me. I ask him why he felt it was necessary I come along for this, but the oafish smile on his face tells me I won't be getting a reply.

We go back to the Gym, hand DAD his raccoon, and I prepare myself to battle. DAD then informs me that he won't be battling me until I get stronger. I call him a pansy-ass under my breath and start heading out for the next town.

On the way there, RICH BOY WINSTON challenges me to a battle, claiming he "[has] lots of money" which just means more cash i can pull of his corpse once Rich has his way with WINSTON's Pokémon.

Again, the raccoon, and also again, mostly tail whips. Rich doesn't even break a sweat. Since I sent Aaron out, too, he gets a taste of the exp and levels up.

Entering some forest, I get jumped by a bug trainer with six bugs. Aaron tears through the first five like diarrhea though a piece of toilet paper and levels up twice. I send out Rich to finish off the last guy and he hits level 9 in triumph.

I run into a guy in the forest searching for SHROOMISH. Or SHROOMISHs. Whatever the fuck the plural is, and then some guy pretending to be a pirate shows up and announces himself to be a member of Team Aqua.

Seriously. Team motherfucking Aqua. That is the least threatening shit I've ever heard. He send out his POOCHYENA, which gets taken down by a critical absorb from Rich.

What's his face gives me a Great ball after Rich hits level 10, and I head on my merry way to RUSTBORO, the town where I can supposedly fight a Gym Leader. Finally.

Well, I think my day went pretty well so far, so I'll try battling the Gym Leader tomorrow. As for now, the real world beckons, as do the tuna sandwiches I'm about to consume.