Thursday, June 7, 2007

Day 3: The third Gym and a totally Batshit family.

I arrive in the town of MAUVILLE, and spot a familiar face in front of the Gym. It's that assbiscuit WALLY, who seemingly couldn't catch a Pokémon without me holding his hand.

And he's attempting to take on the people in the Gym.

I show him the error of his ways by beating his RALTS into a coma. He flees back home to VERDANTURF, and his father thanks me for persuading him not to challenge the Gym leader.

Anytime, pops.

I head into the Gym, which seems to be populated by people with all Electric and Electric/Steel Pokémon . Mostly Magnemites, which are resistant to Psychic, Poison, Grass, Bug, Dark, and Normal attacks. That's every single attack between my two guys.

Facing adversity like my Viking ancestors before me, I manage to beat everyone within the Gym as well as conquer their lame ass floor puzzle. The Gym leader rewards me with a TM for an Electric attack that never misses.

I throw it into my backpack with the rest of the worthless crap Gym leaders give me, and head on my merry way to heal up my Pokémon. Aaron is level 23 and Rich level 25.

I look around the beach to the east to find nothing but trainers with oddly low-level Pokémon, considering the level of the creatures in the Gym. I trounce them all and decide to head North, since East is a water route.

Upon heading North, I notice a guy weeping in the fetal position by the side of the road. I steal his wallet and ask him what's wrong, and he blubbers about a terrifyingly strong family of trainers up ahead.

In order to kick this guy while he's down, I take it upon myself to defeat these clowns. Turns out they're only about three feet away from where I'm currently standing, which is good, because then I can beat them in front of the moron sitting in his own urine puddle.

I challenge the guy outside the house. He succumbs quickly, having only two Pokémon . Then he calls his wife out to take me on.

Hold on a sec here, dude. You need your wife to fight your battles for you. That's pretty low.

Anyway, she comes out with a single water monster. Rich decimates with Bullet Seed, and the wife calls out her daughter to take me on.

...Seriously? Alright.

The daughter's about on par with her mom there, but gasp! She paralyzes Aaron! Having no way to cure him, and unable to head to a Pokémon center until I've beaten all of them, I soldier on, hoping he'll manage.

The daughter is defeated, and out comes the final challenge. I steel myself from what will undoubtedly be a difficult battle, and out comes:

Their grandmother.

She chastises me for making her granddaughter cry, and sends out her first Pokémon . Despite being paralyzed, Aaron makes quick work of it. She sends out her next Pokémon, and I send out Rich to have a better chance of winning. Unfortunately, Rich is then paralyzed too.

Struggling valiantly onwards, Rich defeats this Pokémon, and trades off back and forth with Aaron to defeat her remaining three monsters, despite the two of them both being under Paralysis.

After giving the family a spanking their asses will never recover from, they invite me inside, where they inform me that the son of the family is the best battler of them all, and is going to challenge the Pokémon League, or some other such crap.

Foreshadowing, perhaps? Who gives a fuck?

With both of my monsters having leveled up and in need of healing, I head back to MAUVILLE and decide to try my luck going west of the town. The path is full of trainers whose Pokémon rarely break level 12. Aaron flies through, Psybeaming them all into oblivion, and we all arrive in VERDANTURF, WALLY's hometown.

I know this because it's been referenced at least 7 times. I get the hint, guys. Go to VERDANTURF.

So, I arrive in VERDANTURF. Remembering being told that I can get a CONTEST PASS here, I head for the contest building.

Upon receiving my pass, I'm offered a chance to enroll immediately. Knowing Rich is the awesomest thing since sliced bread, I accept.

Unfortunately, the judges don't agree, and Rich comes in second. He goes on to kill all the other contestants, and we head off to the cave in the North.

It seems to be the cave I was in earlier, the one blocked by two foot rocks. Only now, I can Rock Smash them to destroy them and get through. I walk around the cave for a while in an attempt to find a Pokémon I can teach Rock Smash to.

Nothing but these damn rabbit balloon monstrosities. Not so much as a Geodude in sight. I'll head back to MAUVILLE and see if I can't get anything cool from North of there.

What? you mean to tell me the same fucking rocks are blocking the path North, too?!? Goddammit.

I head on back south, past the Cycling road, only this time I take a detour West that I had previously ignored.

There are a few tough battles, since Rich gets paralyzed in a two-on-two battle against some 8-year-old girls, but the final trainer on this path is a Fisherman with a level 5 Magikarp, a level 10 Tentacool, and a level 15 Magikarp.


Unfortunately, this path is also a dead end unless I get a SURFing Pokémon.

Heading back to VERDANTURF, I say fuck it and pull Corky from his box to teach him Rock Smash.

Unfortunately, being the pansy bitch he is, he can't learn it, so I leave him with the Daycare lady.

I'll come back and get him once I get FLY.

I head back into the cave and catch the damn rabbit bastard. I'll teach him Rock Smash, them set him free. I don't need such a retarded looking creature joining in on my awesome adventure.


Oh, this is just fucking asinine.

Look, there's a Casino in MAUVILLE, maybe I can buy a Rock or Ground type there.

The girl next door has a Coin Case? Alright, let's go talk to her.

...All she talks about is bikes! Maybe I'll ask around the casino more.

Nothing. Maybe I'll ask some random townsfolk.

Dammit, how do I get this cocksucking Coin Case?


So I have to trade her some stationary for her Coin Case? Man, Japan is fucking chauvinistic.

On my way back to SLATEPORT, Rich hits 29, and learns a new move, Leaf Blade. I test it out on a level 18 Magnemite.

Good sweet Christ! It was a one hit kill, and it wasn't even effective! Rich is well on his way to becoming ungodly powerful. Ah, well, let's head to the casino.

The Casino doesn't sell Pokémon in this game? That's fucking ridiculous. Now what am I supposed to do?

After about ten minutes of walking back to SLATEPORT, sailing to DEWFORD, finding the cave in the north of town, and walking around in the cave, I capture a MAKUHITA. I name him Ozzy, since Hand of Doom is playing while the Pokéball flies.

I teach him Rock Smash, and we set off for adventure. Too bad he's only level 9, meaning I probably won't ever use him again. Besides, having trainer Ozzie with a Pokémon named Ozzy would've been too damned confusing.

I smash the rock in the cave, and the tool on the other side gives me HM04. I teach it to Ozzy, and then go to WANDA's house, since that's evidently where digger boy went.

Turns out WANDA is WALLY's cousin. Various members of the family thank me for aiding their moron offspring, and WALLY pledges to defeat me in battle someday. I spit on his shoes and leave.

I head North from MAUVILLE, besting random trainers along the way with Rich's Leaf Blade. Rich levels up twice, and we arrive at Mt. Chimney.

A sign notifies me of a cable car just to the North, but the way there is blocked off by none other than Team Aqua. Since neither of these lackeys will fight me, I decide to head inside the cave of Mt. Chimney, assuming there'll be battles within.

Within the cave, I capture a NUMEL, which, if I remember correctly, is capable of fire attacks. Since Skankin' Pickle is playing The Hussein Skank for me, I name him Mike.

I make it to the town of FALLARBOR, where I encounter a girl by the name of LANETTE in the Pokémon center. She invites me to join her at her house and, seeing as there's no gym or anything else remotely interesting in this town, I accept.

I make the arduous journey to her house, laying waste to the dipshits with water Pokémon on the way. As I stand to the threshold of her house, I save and close the game.

Today's Thursday, and that means it's payday. Pokémon will have to wait for tomorrow.

No comments: