Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Day 2: Rustboro Town

Ah, RUSTBORO The first town with a Gym I can test my skills at. Now to find the fucking thing.

Holy Christ, this town is huge. I was heading for the Gym, but then I saw a sign for CUTTER'S HOUSE. Assuming there's an emo kid within I can make fun of, I enter.

Bah, just an HM. Ah, well, maybe I'll go back to PETALBURG later and cut down some of the trees and get some new stuff.

So here's the Gym, eh? Well, let's test Rich's mettle.

A GEODUDE? I know for a fact that grass kicks the snot out of rock. This is gonna be cake. Cake full of delicious, delicious frosting.

Sweet merciful Christ. A TM I got from someone on the way here allowed Rich to hit the leader's final Pokémon, five times in a single turn, for a critical super-effective.

I get the suspicion she'll be pressing assault charges after that.

Rich hits 16 and learns a Dark move. Aaron has evolved into a cocoon of some kind. He's dead to me now. Dead.

Whoa! After the battle, Rich evolves too, into some sort of winged lizard. Clearly, he will be an unstoppable force. The next leader better watch out, because Rich is gunnin' for him.

Some poor schmuck gets mugged as I exit the Gym. Sucks to be him, but I've got trees to prune. I saw a Pokéball just outside of the town, and that's worth more to me than some moron's GOODS.

After getting the crappy prize behind the tree, I decide to take another look around the town. A woman in a mansion complains the hardest part of her day is deciding what to eat. Apparently, LITTLEROOT isn't the only town inhabited by crazy bitches.

The same assmaster from the forest is apparently the one who got his shit jacked. I guess I'll have to go lay another beatdown on Team Aqua.


On Route 114, I'm attacked by trainers whose Pokémon are about half Rich's level and are mostly bugs and water. Rich laughs in triumph over all the slain corpses and drinks a refreshing potion.

Also, more raccoons in the grass. God, I hate these fucking things.

Jesus. Bullet Seed is spanking ass around here. Time to enter this cave that is probably filled with rock Pokémon that will soon be tasting Rich's bullety fury.

God, the air in here is so thick and dusty. It's like the inside of a goddamn vacuum cleaner bag. Aaron nearly suffocates, then realizes he's a cocoon, and is fine.

Oh, look, it's that Aqua tool again. With a stolen bird. I guess I'll have to get it back for the centuries old dude standing outside the cave.

His POOCHYENA is more riddled with bullets than your average Trigun bystander. He breaks into tears and flees like the pussy he is.

Rich hits 18, and it's implied that I've got to head back to RUSTBORO to drop off the GOODS. Sweet. I get to backtrack. On the way back, Rich mauls some more raccoons. Then a small child. I choose to look the other way about JOEY here.

He chose to raise a fucking raccoon monster: he got what was coming to him.

Mr. Apparent Fucking Genius rewards me with another Great Ball as I fork over the goods upon entering town. He then takes me to meet the president of the corporation.

Look buddy. Unless there's a free Pokémon in it for me, I'm not interested.

A map? A map?!? I save your moron employee's ass twice, and all I get is a map? And fuck your letter delivery mission. I'm a Pokémon Master, not a mailman.

On my way out, I offer the secretary a wild night she'll never forget. Unfortunately, she just thanks me for coming to visit the DEVON CORPORATION again and again.

Frigid cow.

Back on my way through the Cave of Fetid Stench, I'm attacked by something that looks suspiciously like a balloon with rabbit ears. I kill it, only to discover that the way beyond is block by a two foot rock.

Unfortunately, it seems that jumping two feet is impossible, so I am stymied until I figure out a way around. I might as well hit the Pokémon Center once more while I ponder this.

Seeing as the people in the Pokémon Center are evidently retarded, I go to the local trainer's school in the hopes that I can meet someone of at least moderate intelligence.

No such luck. The same slack-jawed goons that inhabit the rest of the town can be found here. Even the teacher spouts off something utterly nonsensical before giving me an item.

I see MAY on the Southern edge of RUSTBORO, indicating that I'll have to travel back to PETALBURG. She doesn't even battle me. What a dickweed.

On the way back through the forest, Aaron hits level 10 and becomes a DUSTOX. Hopefully, this means he'll learn a decent move for once.

The local drunken retired sailor, MR. BRINEY, is seen chasing his pet bird around, presumably to have sex with it. He then offers to take me to the town I'm headed for on his dinghy. Hoping that's not a sexual innuendo, I accept.

I arrive in DEWFORD, and immediately spot the Gym. Assuming this gym will have water
Pokémon within, I enter with Rich at the ready to annihilate everyone within.

What the Jesus. I'm on an island. Why the fuck does everyone have Fighting Pokémon? Well, we'll try out Aaron's newest move, Confusion, on these bad boys.

Aaron gets his ass handed to him by the first trainer. Luckily, Rich is there to finish the job Confusion started.

On my way back to the
Pokémon Center, I see some moron blathering on about UNAVOIDABLE LOOK being the hottest thing ever.

I alert him to what's really cool.

Hoping he'll be going home to tell his parents all about it, I head in to heal my Pokémon and steel my nerves up for the coming battles.

In a shocking upset against the Gym leader, Aaron outlasted Rich and managed to secure a victory.

Sorry, Rich. looks like you're second string now.

Well, with two badges under my belt, I choose to retire once more to the real world.

Tune in tomorrow to see what zany crap happens next.

I take it back. Further exploration is needed.

First, I wander into a cave to the North of town. Few trainers, but lots of random encounters. I find a repel, but it wears off too quickly to be of any use. On the plus side, Aaron learns Flash, which is good, considering I can't see five feet in front of my face in this cave.

Luckily, I find the tool I was supposed to deliver the letter to in some far-off shaft. Hehe. Shaft.

There doesn't seem to be any way out of this room besides the way I came in. Fortunately, I found an Escape Rope just outside the mouth of the cave. And here I was thinking that Pokémon games were above convenient plot devices like that.

I decide to head back to the boat guy and leave this terrible hick island once and for all. He offers two choices of travel, so I choose to explore SLATEPORT. Hey, maybe there's a Gym here.

As we breeze through the water on his boat, I notice a bunch of people in the water and what appears to be a sunken boat. At first I wonder how tough the pirate skeletons in there are, then I realize there's probably nothing in it but fish Pokémon and probably more of those damned raccoons.

I arrive in SLATEPORT, only to find that there's not Gym to be found. I do spot a museum that looks like it might be fun, until I see none other than Team Aqua cronies hanging around outside, trying to get in.

I go heal my Pokémon and battle some of the trainers on the beach to get Rich and Aaron ready to kick some ass.

Upon returning to the museum, I notice that all of the Team Aqua members are inside. More than that, they all paid the fifty dollar admission to get in.

They paid admission to a museum. This guys are about as evil as the villains from the fucking Care Bears.

I walk in, and who do I spy but the same Aqua peon once again, staring at an exhibit about starfish. He recognizes me, wets himself, gives me a TM if I promise not to hurt him, and runs out of the museum crying.

I head up to the second floor, and discover CAPT. STERN, the man the GOODS are for, checking out an exhibit on the mating patterns of marine life. And I mean really checking it out.

I clear my throat, and hand him his GOODS. I attempt to leave the room, back to the wall, when two more team Aqua members attack me to try and get ahold of CAPT. STERN's GOODS.


Nah, that one's too easy.

Anyway, I lay waste to them, and then their leader appears to try and help them out. he introduces himself as ARCHIE.

By the time I'm through laughing at his name, his feelings are so hurt, he declares he no longer wants the GOODS and flees the room.

Leaving this town of fish-fetishists behind, I head North upon Route Whatever-The-Hell-We're-Up-To-By-Now. I spy another sign proclaiming "Two steps > and two steps ^ to the TRICK MASTER's HOUSE."

Clearly, the TRICK MASTER realizes this world is full of utter fuckwits. Ones that need direction from the sign directly in front of a house to the door of said house. TRICK MASTER, I salute thee.

I enter the house, only to find the TRICK MASTER hiding under his kitchen table.

...I'm beginning to think he's not as great as my initial impression would have suggested.

In any case, he challenges me to solve the maze he's got in the back of his house, offering a special prize if I can. Hoping this won't be a Buffalo Bill situation, I head on back.

The maze looks pretty straightforward. No dead ends, just some CUTtable trees. And somehow, miraculously, three trainers that managed to get lost in this maze that I can clearly see the finish line of from the beginning of the maze. then again, I guess they don't have an isometric viewpoint.

I easily beat all three of them and manage my way out of the disturbingly simple maze. TRICK MASTER is astonished. I would make more fun of him, but he did manage to capture three brainless goons in his basement, which is more than I've contributed to society. He hands me a Rare Candy, and I'm on my way.

I walk further down the Route, besting various trainers and random encounter Pokémon , until I run into none other than MAY, begging for another battle.

She starts off with a land whale of some kind that Splashes in futility before succumbing to Aaron's poison attacks. Then a flaming chicken. Confusion stops the sucker dead in its tracks, and Aaron enjoys a drumstick and a breast and hits level 20 before she sends out her final Pokémon, another damned SHROOMISH. Rich uses his Bug-powered attack to knock Satan's mushrooms down for the count and levels to 22.

I steal 1200 bucks from her purse after the fight and give Rich the candy. She drops an ITEMFINDER on her way to the Hospital, which I quickly grab before the EMTs notice.

I continue on my way on what the map proclaims to be Route 110, and am approached by something I recognize from my childhood: an Oddish.

Nostalgia flooding back, I send out a Great Ball, only to realize that, once he's captured, I'll have two Grass Pokémon and one Bug. Ah, well, too late for that now. Since Circus Freaks by Corky and the Juice Pigs is currently playing, I name him Corky. I'll stash him in the box once I get to the next town.

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