Day 5: Some Gym leaders are hot, and others are my father.

I start up the game once more, remembering that, instead of saving near a Pokémon Center, I stopped playing near the ash-hole's house.

Get it? ASH-hole? DEAR GOD, THAT'S HUMOROUS.

...Anyway, I make my way back to FALLARBOR, stopping briefly do to being attacked by a SKARMORY. Remembering them as being fairly good in Gold and Silver, and noticing that I need a flying Pokémon of some type, I capture him.

Since I'm currently listening to The Science of Selling Yourself Short, I name him Jake.

With my newest acquisition, I continue on my way, only to be drawn into battle by a four-year-old in a pile of ash claiming to be a ninja.

Dude. Quit inhaling that stuff. It's fucking with your mind.

Insane ninja or not, he's still easily defeated by Mike's Ember, and we're back on our way to finding the next gym, healing up in FALLARBOR and trudging through the myriad battles in and around METEOR FALLS.

Wait, the way out of METEOR FALLS leads back to RUSTBORO? Fuck. Now I've got to go all the way back through all sorts of systems of caves and shit. And these damn raccoon infested grasses again.

You're lucky I'm not playing you in a gameboy, Sapphire, otherwise your ass would be getting thrown against a wall right now.

Making my way through the cave, VERDANTURF, and MAUVILLE, I arrive back at the place with the rocks blocking the way North out of MAUVILLE. Breaking them once again, a GEODUDE suddenly springs forth from the rock to assault me.

WHAT? Where the fuck was he when I first needed to break that rock? Oh, you fucking cock, I'm going to enslave you and keep you in a box just to teach you a lesson.

Since Me First and the Gimme Gimmes are covering It's Still Rock and Roll To Me, I name him Billy.

I beat random trainers here and there that I missed on my first pass through here, and arrive in FALLARBOR once more.

Having come full circle, and not having a damn clue where to go next, I turn to the map that the Devon corp. President gave me.

Apparently, I passed it somehow, so I head back to Mt. Chimney, assuming that'll give me some clue as to where to go next.

Thankfully, I figure out that I'm supposed to go south from the top of Mt. Chimney, via the cable car, and arrive in the town of LAVARIDGE.

With a name like that, I'm sure the leader will have Fire Pokémon, which poses a problem for me, since I have no water Pokémon to speak of.

Then an old woman by some hot springs gives me an egg. Why she did that, I couldn't tell you but, hey, free egg.

I enter the gym, which is either full of steam, or someone set up a fog machine to make the battle seem more dramatic.

Either way, I deftly navigate through the floor puzzle without battling a single crony, and head straight for the Gym leader.

She bumbles through her introduction, clearly in awe over how attractive I am. I do, however, manage to pick up that her name is Flannery. Not the best of names, but she's a spiky-haired redhead with a nice rack, so I'm not complaining much.

She sends out her first two fire monsters, which are then crippled by Mike amazing Magnitude attack. She sends out her final Pokémon, some sort of Fire-breathing turtle a whole level higher than Mike.

He's doing pretty good, until her Pokémon unleashes a devastating body slam that leaves him with just one HP. Knowing just what to do to motivate my friends, I tell him that if he doesn't win, he's going into the fucking box with Billy and Corky for the rest of his goddamn existence.

Faced with such uplifting support, he does exactly what I goddamn tell him to.


Flannery is defeated, goes off on a self referential rant about finding herself and thanking me for defeating her to help her see the error of her ways.

Look, if you want to thank me, just gimme your number. Did I mention I have a sweet-ass tree fort?

Cuz I do.

Instead, she just gives me a TM, and tells me that I remind her of the Gym leader of PETALBURG, NORMAN.

Wow, I remind you of my father? It's almost as if we were related or something.

Exiting the Gym in a combination of confusion over her comment and disappointment over the lack of digits, I run into MAY, who gives me a pair of GO-GOGGLES. Assuming they're X-Ray goggles of some kind, I put them on and stare at her chest, but no such luck.

She tells me they're intended for getting through the sandstorms that have blocked my way here and there.

Works for me, I guess, since now I'll be able to go to all sorts of other places and ogle all sorts of other females.

Oh, and capture new Pokémon too, I guess. Whatever.

Since I'll be heading through mountains once again, I put Rich in the front of the party so he can Leaf Blade some unsuspecting hikers without mercy or reason.

Making my way through the desert and destroying people's dreams of being Pokémon masters, my egg hatches into a WYNAUT.

WYNAUT? Why not? That's a pretty bad pun, even for a Pokémon game.

Since Red Elvises is on, I name the little guy Buddy.

A little further into the desert, I discover two fossils, the ROOT FOSSIL and the CLAW FOSSIL, but I can only pick one. but which one do I want?

-GameFAQs-

Neither sound very powerful, but at least the CLAW FOSSIL monster looks cool. I grab it, and the other one sinks into the sand.

Deciding that I'll take up MAY's advice and challenge my father, I way my back through MAUVILLE, VERDANTURF, and RUSTBORO, stopping to report to the DEVON CORPORATION PRESIDENT that his package was delivered safely.

He gives me the EXP. SHARE, and tells me to leave. I steal the paperweight off his desk, and stroll out of his office.

I give Buddy the EXP. SHARE, knowing how much he could use the Experience, and head on my way back to PETALBURG.

Alright, DAD. let's do this shit.

Instead of being in the first room, like in the beginning, he's behind several rooms worth of trainers with only one Pokémon and a gimmick each.

Rich decimates with Leaf Blade, leaving shattered dreams and shattered bones behind as I prepare to face my father.

He says how proud he is of me, then sends out his first Pokémon, a SLAKING.

SLAKING hits Rich pretty hard, but goes down to Rich's Leaf Blade.

Next comes VIGOROTH, who is immediately taken out with a single Critical Leaf Blade. And then he levels to 36.

That's two-zero, DAD. better make your next one count.

Another SLAKING? That's just sad.

It Focuses at the start of battle, and Rich hits it with a Leaf Blade and puts it into the yellow. Since Rich did so much damage, it loses its focus the next turn, and is finished off by a final Leaf Blade.

Way to go, DAD. You managed to hit me one single time. No wonder you left home. it was probably out of shame, you worthless piece of toe fungus. Now gimme my badge.

Oh, and just to further spite my dad, Rich evolves

He looks pretty badass, eh?

On my way back home, I run into a trainer that I hadn't faced the first time I went to PETALBURG.

A trainer with a pair of level 4 ZIGZAGOONs.

Rich, if you show the slightest bit of mercy, I'm disowning you.

He heeds my warning and devours them both whole, and the trainer as well.

Feeling pretty good about that, I skip the rest of the way home.

MOM gives me an AMULET COIN in exchange for beating DAD.

I decide to go see what Professor von Hippie has to say about it. He just mentions my Pokédex isn't very full.

As though I care.

Remembering that DAD said something about WALLY's parents having something they wanted to give me, I make my way back to VERDANTURF, in the hopes that it's either FLY or SURF.

Once again in the Cave of Oddly Thick Air, I am repeatedly attacked by the balloon bunnies.

It's like they have a death wish or something.

Rich is 6 times their level, for chrissakes. what can they possibly hope to accomplish, other than mild annoyance.

I arrive in VERDANTURF, only to be reminded that WALLY's parents live in PETALBURG. Which means I have to go through that goddamn cave again, as well as alerted to the fact that WALLY has seemingly left home and is nowhere to be found.

WALLY, you're fucking dead for this.

Back in PETALBURG, WALLY's dad gives me HM03.

It's about fucking time.

But, what's this? Buddy can't learn SURF? But he's clearly a Water Pokémon.

...Waddya mean he's Psychic? He's fucking Blue and aquatic looking!

Fine, I'll teach it to Ozzy, just to fucking spite you. There, now Ozzy knows Strength, Surf, and Rock Smash. He's five levels lower, and five times as valuable.

You piece of congealed monkey vomit.

Since it's almost time for me to head to work, I'm gonna save and power down here.

More to come tomorrow, folks.