Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Day 7: Lots of shit happens, and I catch me a rare monster.

Turning the game on and making it the rest of the way through this damned rainstorm, I run into an ABSOL.

It looks sorta rare, so I decide to capture it. Unfortunately, Rich has other plans. Even his weakest move utterly destroys the ABSOL.

I'm fine with that, though. I didn't need another wuss Pokémon, anyway. I've got Buddy for that.

I head on through grass, trainers, and lots and lots of berry trees, and who do I discover but Team Aqua headed to MT. PYRE.

No. You know what? No. Fuck that shit. I'm heading in the opposite direction from these little shits. I'll go do something constructive with my life for once. See if I can't help out someone in need or something.

Oh, wait, the Safari Zone's right over there? A place where I can throw rocks at Pokémon?


I pay to get in, walk around a little, and then it is revealed to me that I can't throw rocks at anything! The only options now are Giving it a Pokéblock or getting nearer to it.

Captain Picard, if you'd do the honors.

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Thank you, Captain.

Soured by that experience, I decide to set out and destroy Team Aqua after all.

Rich and I need to take our aggression out somehow.

First, though, Rich needs a little healing. We head to the nearest town, LILYCOVE, and spot MAY in front of some giant store.

She tells me she's worried I'm not raising my ugly little bastards well enough, and challenges me to a battle.

Not raising them well enough? Bitch, they smoked your ass last time, and they're about to again.

I, of course, do just that, and head into the store to see if there's anything worth buying.

I pick up some more crap for my awesome fort, and, realizing that I told Corky I'd come back for him once I got FLY, I hop on Jake to MAUVILLE, and then head on down to the Daycare center.

I pick him up, and it seems that he's gone up 18 levels to level 31.

Not too shabby.

I FLY back to LILYCOVE and head on into MT. PYRE.

It looks a lot like the Pokémon Tower in Kanto. I ask around and, sure enough, it's a "final resting place" for Pokémon.

I've been playing these games for ten years, and never had any of my Pokémon die on me. And I treat mine like shit. What are these assholes doing wrong?

Wandering around MT. PYRE, I encounter a Vulpix. Since I loved the crap out of these little beasties in Blue and Red, I capture her.

Since I'm listening to the Aquabats, I name her Chainsaw and head on my way to besting Archie once more.

I make my way further up the mountain, beating these Aqua dickweeds easily. I make it to Archie, ready for a big battle, and...

He runs away. Runs back to his "secret hideout."


Now I've gotta hunt him down and find him? Fine. But I'm kicking his ass twice for this one.

I FLY back to LILYCOVE and shake down the stooges at the secret hideout. They inform me he's going to try and "jack" a sub in SLATEPORT.

Seriously. they said "jack."

I didn't even know you could subjack someone.

I FLY down there, and see CPT. STERN being interviewed by a TV reporter, and then Team Aqua comes and steals the sub while he was talking to the media.

...Dude, this is the second time this week Aqua has fucked up your shit. You suck.

I SURF South from SLATEPORT to see all the sites I passed on the ferry. On the way, I spy an abandoned ship. Hoping there'll be some sweet treasure, I hop on board.

I battle some idiots here and there, get some TMs and other assorted goodies, and head back out onto the open seas.

I swim around for a while and find:

Nothing. Not one damn clue as to what to do now. So, i guess I know exactly where to for that.


I have to go back to the friggin' hideout?

That's. Asinine.
Fine, I'll do it. I was only gonna kick your ass twice, Archie. Now I'm gonna kill you dead.

I make my way to their hideout and get through their stupid ass floor puzzle and moron flunkies to get to AQUA ADMIN MATT, who's "a cut above the rest."

His Pokémon go down in a single Leaf Blade like all the rest. Unfortunately, Archie gets away again.

Seriously. What a fucking Pansy.

I claim my Master Ball and head out to find him.

I make my way to MOSSDEEP CITY without any big hassles and check out the sign.

Our slogan: Cherish POKÉMON"

It's a bit more uplifting than OLDALE's, I'll admit, but it's still pretty damned insipid.

I walk into some random houses, like I always do when I come to a new town, and who do I spot but STEVEN. He gives me TM08, DIVE.

Assuming I'll need a new badge to use this one too, I head over to the Gym in town. Team Aqua can wait.

I crack the riddle of the floor puzzle, and head up to beat the Gym leader.

Err. Leaders?

Apparently, I get to battle two psychic twins.

If anything, that just means it's easier, since they'll only have two Pokémon.

Rich and Aaron are up for whatever they can dish out.

Hell, Rich alone could probably smoke them. Aaron's just overkill.

Holy shit. Their Pokémon are Rock/Psychic.

I take back my previous "probably". Rich could beat these motherfuckers with a blindfold on.

Leaf Blade, go!

Aaaaand they're dead. Now I get my sweet badge, my sweet cash reward, and probably some lame-ass TM.

Unfortunately, none of my current Pokémon are capable of using DIVE. Guess I'll have to go capture one.

I head to a nearby cave, and find some sort of fat walrus thing called a SPHEAL. I beat it into submission, and capture the little monster. Since I'm listening to Lisa Loeb, I name her Lisa I Voted For Kodos, I name her Kodos.

What are you looking at? I wasn't listening to any Lisa Loeb. No sir. Just some good old fashioned third-wave ska.


Look, do you want to hear about the rest of the adventure or not? That's what I thought.

Anyway, I look around the cave some more, Rich cracks some skulls, and Corky evolves into a Gloom. Realizing i have a Sun Stone with me, I turn him into a Bellossom.

Awww, isn't he pretty?

I head to a mart to sell some of my miscellaneous shit, go to a Pokémon center to heal up and pull out Lisa Kodos, and we get to diving.

I head off to the South to go to what the map calls SOOTOPOLIS CITY, dive on down, and explore.

I resurface in the giant clamshell of a city, and head straight North, spying a Gym ahead in the distance.

Sweet, the final Gym! I'll just walk in, kick "WALLACE"'s ass and... Wait, the Gym is locked? Motherfuck.

I wander around town, receiving berries and WAILMER dolls from random folks. It's pretty nice to get to know these folks, until someone asks that if I get a big BARBOACH, could I please come show it to him.

Being fairly certain he's offering me some mansex, I politely decline and get the hell out of there.

Man, are all these townsfolk so fucked up?

Realizing this town is a dead-end, I head to the final town on the map, PACIFIDLOG.

I swear to god, that's the name of the town. I thought maybe the map had a typo or something, but once I got there, the sign, the people that live there, everything says PACIFIDLOG.

More than that, the entire town if on giant logs floating in the water.

I'm getting out of here as soon as possible.

Checking out random houses to get a clue what to do, someone offers to trade a CORSOLA for a Bellossom.

Hear that, Corky? You're getting traded, you son of a bitch!

Now I've got a level 32 Water Pokémon that I can hopefully put to good use.

Since this town seems pretty barren, I decide to swim on down to SLATEPORT and see what I see on the way.

Beating trainers and acquiring cash, I failed to see any deep water to DIVE into.

Assuming I'll need to use dive to find the missing sub and Archie, I head back to MOSSDEEP.

Seeing all sorts of deep water, I DIVE here and there, getting rare Candies and the like, until I find the cave where there's a sub parked.

I guess. I don't know what you call it when a sub is alongside a rock formation and stopped.

I run in there, figure out the puzzles, beat the buttfaces of Team Aqua, and finally find Archie.

You are so fucking dead.

After loosing Rich on him, he drops the Red Orb he stole from MT. PYRE, which glows and clears the fog from the room.

And then something else happens.

The big amorphous blob in the lake starts to move.

It flies out of the water and disappears in a flash. Maxie then comes in and bitches about how the world might be destroyed if something isn't done, blah blah blah.

STEVEN then flies in after Maxie departs, like the utter, utter tool he is, and makes some broad comments about the world ending and needing to go to SOOTOPOLIS.

Yes, I get the hint. To SOOTOPOLIS, Jake!

We arrive there, and everyone's house is all boarded up.

I see STEVEN chatting it up with WALLACE. Then they drag me with them while they talk and throw me into the Cave of Origins.

I wander around for a bit, and find the monster causing all the commotion, KYOGRE.

Rich beats his ass down to a sliver of health, and I toss out an Ultra Ball.

Since the soundtrack to his epic defeat was Soul Man, I decide to name him Belushi.

I leave the cave, heal up, and head to the Gym where STEVEN wishes me luck.

Eat me.

I head inside to take on WALLACE, assuming his water types will go down easy to Rich's might.

Shit. This floor puzzle is actually pretty hard.

Gimme, like, five minutes here, guys.

-five minutes later-

Fuck, that was hard. I screwed up once, and had to fight everyone in the goddamn Gym.

That just served to help, thought, since Rich leveled like a motherfucker.

Rich beats all their asses in single Leaf Blade attacks.

We earn the Badge. We save. We power down for the night.

Tomorrow! Rich and I take on the Elite Four! Unless it's really fucking hard to get there! But we'll do it by the end of the week!

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