Tuesday, June 5, 2007

A Journey Through Pokémon: Sapphire

Well, going on what my good friend Timm said, I've decided to make a blog post on my experiences with Pokémon Sapphire. I elected to make a Blogger/Blogspot/Whatever this is called account rather than use MySpace. Because MySpace is shitty. I know it's a little old, but I just recently got the game. (Read: downloaded the rom) so here are my impressions of it. I'll try to be as detailed and hilarious as possible.

So the professor is named Birch in this game, eh? He looks like a goddamned hippie. He's wearing sandals, for God's sake. What kind of world-renowned professors wears fucking flip-flops? Whatever, time to pick my gender. Male, for the sake of accuracy. And a name, too.

What the hell? Sean, Terry, Seth, and Tom? These are the default names to choose from? Oh yes, Team Rocket. Look out for Pokémon master TERRY. He'll fuck you up.


I'll go with my real name, thank you very much.

Seems I'm moving into the town of LITTLEROOT. Why they named a town in all caps is beyond me, but whatever. I'm apparently a foreigner in this game, anyway, so I guess it's just part of the local custom.

Whoa. Holy what-the-fuck whoa. Apparently, I start off the game riding in the moving truck to the new place. The back of the moving truck. With the fucking boxes. And my mom is well aware of the fact that I was in there... That's pretty fucked up, lady.

Huh. I guess there are Machokes moving the furniture in. Not exactly who I'd most trust to carry my TV, but then again, I don't live in a town with all capital letters.

Checking out my room, it seems that I have a TV, bed, PC, and a GameCube. Wait, what? The PC, TV, and GameCube are all already hooked up and functional? I take it back. Those Machokes know exactly what they're doing. I've seen teenagers that couldn't connect a video game system to a TV, let alone set up a PC. These things are fucking geniuses.

Time to set the in-game clock. Which, for some reason, is not a digital clock. And the clock has no numbers or dots or anything to indicate that I've got the right time. Suave game mechanic right there.

After setting the clock, MOM comes upstairs to alert me that DAD is on the television. Why they're both referred to in capitals is beyond me, but I'm starting to sense a theme here. More mystifying, though, is why my father doesn't live with my mother and me. Maybe I'll find out when I visit PETALBURG, the location given to me by the TV broadcast.

MOM then tells me that PROFESSOR BIRCH lives right next door, and that I should go visit him. With not a damn bit of context as to why I should visit this man, other than he knows DAD. Which is a pretty weak fucking reason to go barging into your brand-new neighbor's house.

So I brazenly walk through the door. Because I do as I damn well please in this town that consists of two houses and a lab. There's no law enforcement around to stop me anyway.

So, I walk into the house, and the owner demands to know who I am. Fair enough.
But then she says her daughter has been looking for a new friend, and tells me that she's upstairs. More or less, I barge into her house without introducing myself, and she alerts me to the fact that her teenage daughter is upstairs alone. Oh yeah. She and MOM are gonna hit it off real fucking quick. The goddamn neighborhood Shitty Mother Association, or "SMA" as it'll say on the t-shirts.

Not wanting to do anything to provoke this obviously unstable woman, I head on up the stairs, to find her daughter's room looks about the same as mine, just flipped. Even so, a teenage girl with a game system in her room is kinda sexy.

If only it were something more respectable than a GameCube.

So I talk to her, and she introduces herself as MAY. Then goes on to state that she wants to be friends with me, and that, moreover, dreams of becoming friends with Pokémon all over the world. Then, realizing she was supposed to help her DAD catch Pokémon, she runs out of the room.

Great, she's as nutty as her mom. Maybe I can at least grab a potion out of her PC like I did mine.
Damn, no such luck. Ah, well, maybe I'll head on down to the lab and pick up my grass type Pokémon now.

So, the Prof's not in the lab, as his assistant explains to me. He also feels the need to tell me what "fieldwork" is. I think I can guess what it is, pal. I may not have a fucking labcoat, but I've got a pretty good grasp of the English language.

Well, guess I'll head out of town and see if that triggers something, ala Pokémon Yellow.

Well, it does indeed. There's some moron being chased by a dog Pokémon of some description. Looks like the Pokéballs are in the bag he dropped near me.


What the hell is this malarkey? The Wood Gecko Pokémon? The Mud Fish Pokémon? The goddamn Chick Pokémon?

These motherfuckers sound about as threatening as a pretty butterfly.

Actually, I take that back. At least Butterfree was capable of kicking some ass. These things probably couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag.

Ah, well, I guess it's Wood Gecko time.

I easily stomp the Hyena thingy, mostly because it's level two. Seriously, Prof? You're getting hassled by something that's level 2? That's the kind of thing where you can accidentally hit it with a pokéball to catch it, man. Then again, considering how batshit zany the women in this neighborhood are, I don't expect you to be any more competent.

Now, back at his lab, I get to keep my Pokémon. As though I was gonna give it back? You're lucky I didn't take the other two balls while I was at it, motherfucker.

I name him Rich, after Skankin' Rich, sine there's an Arrogant Sons of Bitches song playing as I play, and Rich is a big fan of them. Also, I don't know the name of anyone in the band.

He recommends I visit his daughter, MAY, who's out hunting Pokémon on route 103. Wait, is she the rival for this game? Well, kudos to her nonetheless for getting out of this backwater burg full of lunatics. I think I'll follow her example while I've got the chance.

Oh, look, my first encounter. And it happened the very second I entered the grass. How unsurprising. Looks like I'm fighting some sort of demented raccoon called a ZIGZAGOON.

Seriously, these all caps names are getting a little weird.

Rich pounds the bastard, and we're on our way.

I end up in Oldale town, where the town motto is "OLDALE TOWN: Where things start off scarce"

Man, their chamber of commerce is the biggest bunch of pessimists.

Following my exciting sign reading escapade, I am hassled by someone who drags me along to the PokéMart where he works. he then informs he that PokéMarts are easily distinguishable by their blue roofs, and sends me off with a free potion. Seriously, that's how you find your way to work in the morning? Find the building with a blue roof? I would have just looked for the building with the big MART sign. Whatever floats your boat, dude.

I try to head to the left out of town, but am stopped by some jacktard who informs me that he's sketching the footprints of a rare Pokémon that passed through there. I guess that's this game's equivalent of Mewtwo, or something. Whatever. I'll just go north.

Reaching Route 103, I spy MAY apparently conversing with a tree. I try to get to her, and am again attacked by a tie-dye raccoon monstrosity.

Making quick work of the sucker, Rich then hits level 6, and gets an entire +1 boost to Speed, Defense, and SP. Atk and a Whopping 2 in Sp. Def and HP. Nothing for attack, though, so I guess he'll be hitting just as hard as a level five version of himself. Awesome.

Then he learns a new Move, Absorb. Huh. Well, I guess it's not all crap, then.

Approaching MAY, she then has the sheer gall to challenge me to a battle. I hope she knows what she's getting into.

Rich Leers at her TORCHIC to lower its defense, then Pounds it into submission and levels up. I reward him with a hearty high-five and prepare for whatever bullshit story MAY's about to hit me with.

She throws 300 bucks my way, and informs me that she's heading back to the lab. This is undoubtedly the part of the game where the Pokédexes are handed out, so I decide to follow her, stopping by the Pokémon center on the way to make sure Rich is fighting fit.

Yep. BIRCH forks over the 'Dex, and MAY produces a Pokéball for me. Just one? What the fuck? Where's my ten balls like in Blue? Hehe. Blue balls. Whatever, I'm sure the 300 bucks you gave me can buy a few more.

I see MOM standing in front of the door to the house, staring straight ahead like the deranged loon she is, so I decide to strike up a conversation.

Bad move. She gives me a pair of shoes that (for what reason, god only knows) break the fourth wall by exclaiming that holding B will make me go faster.

Seeing that Sketch-boy is gone, I head West out of OLDALE, only to be shortly stopped by a trainer looking for a battle.

Oh, look, he's got a stupid fucking raccoon, too. These things are apparently as common as rats in Morrowind. Awesome. Again.

He tail whips Rich a few times, but, considering that Tail Whip doesn't do any damage, is very soundly trounced, giving Rich another level and me 80 bucks.

I run into something called a WURMPLE in the grass. It looks like it might eventually evolve into something useful, so I capture it. I call him Aaron, because now I'm listening to Reel Big Fish.

I deftly avoid trainers until I get near the end of the route and see some trees with fruit on them. I get two ORAN berries and two PECHA berries. What this means, I couldn't tell you, but free items are free items.

I finally make it to PETALBURG, the town where DAD is supposed to be. I hit up the Pokémon Center, and try to make my way to the Gym.

Before I leave the center, I notice someone calling out to me. They want me to fill out a personality form. I write "likes a rock-solid rear" and run away cackling like a madman.

I find the Gym, and DAD says some stuff to me. I'm not listening to him, still giggling over my joke on the poor schmuck in the Pokémon Center. Then in comes this nervous wreck by the name of WALLY. He needs help capturing a Pokémon. Ostensibly because he's retarded, considering even a pre-pubescent girl can capture Pokémon. And by that, I'm of course referring to Ash.

DAD gives him a Pokémon to helps him catch one (again with the fucking raccoon monsters!) and I'm tasked with helping this asshole capture Pokémon. Uh, DAD? I don't know if you notice, but I've only ever managed to capture one. You're a goddamn Gym Leader. Which one of us is better suited for this job?

He begins to say something, but WALLY drags me out into the forest like a goddamn wheelbarrow, where we're attacked by a RALTS.

They're not even fucking trying with these names anymore.

Wally then manages to catch RALTS all by himself, without any damn input from me. I ask him why he felt it was necessary I come along for this, but the oafish smile on his face tells me I won't be getting a reply.

We go back to the Gym, hand DAD his raccoon, and I prepare myself to battle. DAD then informs me that he won't be battling me until I get stronger. I call him a pansy-ass under my breath and start heading out for the next town.

On the way there, RICH BOY WINSTON challenges me to a battle, claiming he "[has] lots of money" which just means more cash i can pull of his corpse once Rich has his way with WINSTON's Pokémon.

Again, the raccoon, and also again, mostly tail whips. Rich doesn't even break a sweat. Since I sent Aaron out, too, he gets a taste of the exp and levels up.

Entering some forest, I get jumped by a bug trainer with six bugs. Aaron tears through the first five like diarrhea though a piece of toilet paper and levels up twice. I send out Rich to finish off the last guy and he hits level 9 in triumph.

I run into a guy in the forest searching for SHROOMISH. Or SHROOMISHs. Whatever the fuck the plural is, and then some guy pretending to be a pirate shows up and announces himself to be a member of Team Aqua.

Seriously. Team motherfucking Aqua. That is the least threatening shit I've ever heard. He send out his POOCHYENA, which gets taken down by a critical absorb from Rich.

What's his face gives me a Great ball after Rich hits level 10, and I head on my merry way to RUSTBORO, the town where I can supposedly fight a Gym Leader. Finally.

Well, I think my day went pretty well so far, so I'll try battling the Gym Leader tomorrow. As for now, the real world beckons, as do the tuna sandwiches I'm about to consume.

1 comment:

Timm said...

How did it know my name was "Timm"?
Anyways, the review is fucking halarious. Eagerly awaiting more.